One thing perhaps none of you knew about me: for the past 3 years I was supposed to be writing a book about my detransition. Which sounds like a good use of the experience right? I can sometimes be a good writer, I had this unique experience that more and more people are having, why not write a book?

Uh. Well. Because detransition is intense, and so is getting over having traumatic experiences and so is grad school and so is participating in incredibly turned up online debates about the existence of detransitioners and desisters. (Before we can even get to the question of what do detransitioners need so that the experience isn’t so weird and crushing?)

Anyways. This imagined book. That was going to make me process the experience and tell all my strange stories (because shit got so weird, so often) and then the experience wouldn’t be such a horrible, stupid loss.

But like, the thing is, my life is actually shaping up to be pretty good right now.

Like, I like my work a whole lot. It’s very interesting. I like my clients. I like what we talk about. I like what it makes me think about. I like being in Cleveland, the best city in America perhaps besides New Orleans. (Although I definitely am not energetic or relaxed enough to live there, so it’s all good.) I like my friends and they definitely both laugh at my jokes and are good with watching me cry and trying to understand why I’m crying, and are pretty relaxed about my political beliefs, which is exactly what’s important to me in a friendship. I like my dog a whole lot, because he’s so visually compelling and so snobby about new people. And I just dress in very basic middle-aged lady therapist garb, and people think it’s normal if I say it’s hella inappropriate to talk about my body, and it’s all good. And I have tons of lesbian friends and like one queer identified friend and, you know the lesbians are just more my crowd. Even though I’m putting up with the bullshit of these mens.

So yeah, I don’t know, I feel like I’ve found a good little spot to relax in, and so it’s like, well why run myself ragged writing some book then? Why not just enjoy this good life I did the work for? I mean I FOR SERIOUS did the work for this life. I MADE IT OUT OF A SHITSHOW of a life and now life isn’t a shitshow. Why not just enjoy that?

I don’t know, I’ve known a lot of ambitious people in my time. And…..uh, they’re not my style. They have so much to prove. They’re so focused. Oh my gosh do they think they understand how the world works. And everyday I’m learning I got no CLUE what the fuck is up with this weird world. So me and the ambitious are always gonna be a tenuous match.

Someone should really try to make WPATH put some guidelines for working with detransitioners in the next Standards of Care. But not me. I can’t deal, just on an interpersonal level, with the people in WPATH. It’s not the trans thing, it’s actually the coastal thing. Coastal people are so competitive, and they compete about super strange things, like recent news trivia. That’s me and my salty personality, it’s not all detransitioners, so some other detransitioner, who is salty about different things and enjoys the people in WPATH, should go ahead and do that. I don’t need to be the one who does that.

When all that stuff happened in the fall with the Philly panels being cancelled, really the only thing I could think was, “I don’t need this shit right now.” I’m not going to act like I don’t sometimes enjoy some drama, but you know honestly there’s always Cleveland-level drama for me to get my drama fix. You really wouldn’t believe the shit that goes down in this city. Supposedly we have 396,698 people but it feels like there are 60 and we just cycle through each other again and again.

I don’t need to be some kind of expert. I like just being the kind of lady I am. Also, frankly other detransitioned women are very smart and a bunch of them are going to end up at least getting their MSW’s so I think in a couple years there will be a much more energetic one of us coming down the pipeline.

Anyways. I just want to write this dinky little blog and be a good therapist to my clients and you know, just be a salty lady with an exceptionally visually compelling dog. Oh, and I’ve gained weight but my flexibility from all the yoga is really getting pretty impressive. As a metaphor, that so WORKS for the aging process- you get heavier but you get more flexible. Love that.

clevelandmoon

 

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One thought on “Maybe I don’t need to write this book

  1. I’m happy you’re happy! Thank you for the contributions to this discourse that you have made, Although I always appreciate what you have to say, it is surely also highly worthwhile for the focus of your endeavors to be more local, like on being a great counselor (therapist?) and a happy person!

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