I don’t like it when people forget their manners.

I’ve had to put up with people forgetting their manners in many contexts in my life. Jobs where the lawyers couldn’t remember their manners, the customers couldn’t, the management couldn’t. Performing comedy it was an every night occurrence that some drunk dummy, or totally sober and just super bad at boundaries dummy, forgot their manners.

(I once had a girl put a bad review on the the yelp page of a coffeeshop I had an open mic at because she sent me three myspace messages about conspiracies and I didn’t reply. Actually, now that I think about it, she said I hated women. Unhinged people are so quick to pull the “hate women” card! Just because I can’t stand you in particular doesn’t mean anything about my take on 52% of the population.)

I’ve had boyfriends forget manners, girlfriends forget manners, themfriends forget manners. I’ve got a pretty high tolerance for people showing their asses. But I feel done with that.

There are very few people on this planet who are entitled to my time and attention. I could list them. I take the relationships that create that entitlement very seriously. You, as a blog reader, don’t have a relationship like that with me.

You can react anyway you would like to to my writing or my videos. You have that right. If you fill my twitter feed or email inbox or comments with long reactions, know that you aren’t paying me to read those. So if I decide I’m sick of seeing them, I will block your ass. If you make a habit of being annoying, that block is eventually coming your way. If I witness you chronically inserting long monologues into other people’s feeds, I’m probably embarrassed to have even an internet relationship with you and I’m probably itching for you to give me an excuse to end the internet relationship.

I’m not someone who attempts to use twitter or comments sections in those ways normally. I have to feel strongly someone is broadcasting misinformation before I want to go on a public crusade. When I see shit I don’t agree with or don’t like, I just keep it moving.

Remember that if you know me from this blog, you don’t actually know me. You may feel close to me- you aren’t close to me. You may feel like we should be friends- we aren’t friends. We’re strangers.

So some kinds of messages to me that are unwelcome:
– I’m not sharing a hotel room with you, because I don’t sleep in an enclosed space with total strangers even if we are attending the same conference. Do not ask.
– Your opinions on what detransitioners should write about and what we should leave out of our stories are totally irrelevant and it’s hilariously deluded you would think we’d respect your opinion on that.
– If there are stories of mine you perceive to be projections or over-reactions and you weren’t there, you can keep that to yourself. If you were there and you think i’m being unfair to you, ok, reach out. Be prepared to get reamed if you reach out, but if you’re in the mood for that, try me.
– I’m not your therapist. I’m not your child’s therapist. If you want to send me a long message about your life, perhaps I will respond and perhaps I will not. If you say “I have to talk to you,” be aware that’s incorrect. NEVER send me a second message demanding an explanation for why I haven’t responded more quickly. Don’t. When you do that it means the correspondence is over, forever.
– Do not send your kid to talk to me. That shows such a lack of respect for my time, and such unhealthy boundaries. I’m a stranger on the internet, it is not safe to send your kids to talk to strangers on the internet.
– As always if you’re going to tell me i’m a racist gender-essentialist transtrender I will always, always respond by asking what your dad does for a living and getting so nasty about your class signifiers. I will not be nice. You did just call me a racist, so I’m not sure why you would expect any other reaction.

I had a very specific experience, that most people in this world will not have. It feels urgent to me to write about the details of that experience, even the details that other people think are problematic or over-reactions or somehow don’t convey exactly the party line they want other people to think of the experience. It does something very good for me when other detransitioners write about the experience without trying to manage the implications of what they say. That’s what I’m trying to do here, and when I allow you to cross boundaries it interferes with that project. So stay back and give me the space you should give a total stranger trying to concentrate on a difficult project. If you can’t manage to give me that space I will create that space.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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