What’s sad about this world is how strange it is. Sometimes I’m glad I didn’t end up transitioned just so that the face looking back at me in the mirror is not a new one. I don’t think, if I had a beard, and a mastectomy, my mental health could have rolled with the punches with Trump becoming president. (That’s just me, that’s my assessment of what kind of stress I can handle before going off the deep end. Your mental health, I’m assuming, is different than mine.) I mean, just being in California around a bunch of people who were planning on never going near Ohio made me pretty nuts. Continuity is a major psychological need of mine. Which is maybe why I keep writing. Just to build the connections between these strange moments, and these roles I never planned on playing.

Kavanaugh really screwed with me. The fact that he’s now on the court- it’s rough to take in. I can’t say much more about it- like the place in my brain the response should come from is numb and totally smooth.

But Kanye. Oh Kanye. Since Trump became the candidate the world has felt like some kind of punishing, absurd timeline. And Kanye, who has brought me so much joy over my life, is now married to Kim Kardashian and loves his red hat. And I get that he’s got some pretty intense mental illness happening, and he’s living a life where no one has the power to check him and he’s surrounded by the surreal, but still. Kanye. Kanye what are you doing?

All I can think is sometimes getting famous is a terrible thing to happen to a person. I knew some comedians who went on to be famous. I don’t know them now and I don’t know if they’re happy or well. Different kinds of people can take different kinds of stress. Daily life ends up sculpting us, and every day we become different people, sometimes imperceptibly, sometimes all of a sudden. If you want to exercise control over the future you you will become your best bet is designing your day. Good luck with that. It seems like everyone wakes up one day surprised they are who they picked to be.

Probably the ways my brain has always been too broken to be famous has been one of my biggest blessings. I’ve always hated having fans. Fundamentally you need to like the experience of having a fan for fame to work.

I wish Kanye would come back. I wish he would stop making raunchy songs with idiot rappers. I wish he would hide away and maybe write a book and stop with music and fashion for a little bit. I wish he’d take up surfing or tai chi. I get that he can’t ever be young Kanye again. I just wish he’d stop for awhile and let older Kanye emerge after he’s mourned what he needs to mourn.

That’s very, very hard to do. I’ve had some things to mourn I don’t want to yet. I’m so, so scared I won’t get to be a mom. I think about it a whole lot. A whole lot. And no, I don’t think it’s just because of patriarchal programming. Maybe I’m in denial about the forces shaping my brain. Maybe if I don’t get to be a mom that’s God protecting a kid from having a crazy mom.

It would just make this world feel a lot less scary if Kanye could find his way back to center. I just need some limit to the chaos. If Kanye would apologize to Rhymefest and hole up with him in Chicago for like 6 months and just chill. Wear normal people clothes and sunglasses for a half a year and maybe go grocery shopping, to the beach, ride a bike. Just visit real life for awhile.

When I was in middle school I used to go to this thrift store at the corner of Fulton and Lorain named Unique Thrift. It was kind of a legendary thrift store in Cleveland for awhile. I went there for 20 years of my life. I bought fancy boots there, work pants, lots of men’s sweaters, night gowns, kitchen appliances, so many funny t-shirts. Unique closed two years ago and now it’s a gym. It’s a great gym, I go there and ride the stationary bike while watching Food Network dessert competition shows. They’re not even dessert competitions now, now people have to build 3 foot tall Halloween dioramas out of spun sugar. That’s because the world is ridiculous and surreal now.

Even though Unique is a gym now at least I get to go there. People and place are like that. They become dear to you even when they’ve changed all around. Sometimes the ways they change hurt your heart and that’s what you signed up for when they became dear to you. Sometimes you just have to roll with what changes and hold onto whatever continuity you can scrounge up.

 

 

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